WEST UNION, OH – Authorities remain puzzled as to exactly how a Alien wound up clamped onto the head of a local man Thursday, in the first of a probable wave of Alien attacks in the area.
Early Thursday morning, Jared Rodoni, 22, was found by his parents unconscious in their basement. The Alien, holding onto Rodoni’s head at the ears, was easily dislodged by the parents. Rodoni was unhurt, but sleepy.
“I keep telling you people, it wasn’t a real Alien,” Rodoni said. “It was a Caliber 2007 Vented Dot Motorcycle Helmet. Not a real alien – a helmet. I just fell asleep wearing them. It wasn’t a big deal.”
Examining the creature, marine biologist Debra Gilgis said it didn’t resemble any known Alien species, which raises the possibility of a new, mutated super-alien capable of even more vicious attacks. “Look, I keep telling you, this isn’t any kind of alien,” Gilgis said. “It’s never even been alive. It looks like a DOT helmet or something. Why are you wasting my time like this?”
The mystery is deepened by the fact that West Union is located some 400 miles from Helmets Inc. Helmets Inc. did not report any missing Aliens at press time.
Asked how he thought this could have happened, Rodoni speculated: “I know exactly how it happened. I bought the Alien Vented DOT Motorcycle Helmet for its riding-friendly features: 2.4 lbs, shorty visor, double air vents, fiberglass shell. I brought it home and put it on. Fascinating, huh?”
Courier-Beacon representatives had no comment at press time.
Our DOT VENTED ALIEN MOTORCYCLE HALF HELMET will have people believing just that, that there is an alien attack and you have been one of the targets. A beautifully decorated helmet featuring shorty visor, double air vents, and a lightweight composite fiberglass shell.
Color: High Gloss finish with silver alien design
Care: Hand Clean Only
Weight: 924g / 2.06 lbs (approximately)
Construction: Lightweight fiberglass construction.
This helmet meets or exceeds DOT Specifications which means that this helmet is Department of Transportation approved.
Please allow 2 business days for items to leave the warehouse.
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